Book Review

[kenjari]

The Gift of Fear
by Gavin de Becker

I finally got around to reading this because it is on reserve and thus shelved directly behind me in one of the libraries where I work. One of my shifts has a tendency to be very slow and this book reads fairly quickly.
Overall, I liked The Gift of Fear very much. de Becker does a great job of explaining how our own existing intuitions and subconscious ability to assess danger and risk can help us predict when a person means to harm us. I really liked the way he champions gut feelings and urges us to pay attention to them instead of obeying our cultural conditioning to brush them off or subject them to a more "rational" evaluation.
I also especially appreciated the way de Becker is completely blunt and matter-of-fact about the ways this cultural conditioning operates for women. He clearly points out that women are socialized to be nice, polite, and accommodating at all times, and acknowledges the ways in which this conditioning inhibits women from acting on the signals their brain and body are giving them. de Becker is adamant about giving women and having women give themselves the permission to prioritize their own safety over the egos and feelings of others. I also love the way he reminds decent men not to get indignant if a woman is not willing to give them time or attention.
I only wish he had been more explicit about not putting blame on victims for ignoring or missing the signals. I truly do not think he intends to engage in victim-blaming, but, sadly, in our culture, particularly when it comes to violence against women, without a straightforward statement to the contrary, it's too easy for some of his material to come across that way.
Nonetheless, I found de Becker's advice and explanations very helpful and illuminating. Despite the book's title, it is actually quite reassuring and a good bulwark against unnecessary and constant fear and in favor of trusting your own ability to sense and assess dangers and risks from other people.

Comments

[karakara98.livejournal.com]

I've seen this book recommended in other contexts, generally about domestic abuse, but I've never seen a fuller description of it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[digitalemur.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear you had some good things to say about this, because after a few people mentioned it on Facebook in the context of teaching their daughters about avoiding violence. I had assumed it took a fairly victim-blaming stance, so I'm glad to hear that it is _not_ like that, even though parts of the material can be used that way.

[kenjari.livejournal.com]

What convinces me that de Becker is not really out to blame the victim is his concentration on the attacker and not the victim. Even when he is relating stories of people who were victimized and is going through the signals and intuitions they missed or ignored, his focus is never really on what the victim should have done, it's always on the specific behaviors of the attacker that signaled his intent to harm. Very little of "she should have slammed the door at this point" and way more "here's what was creepy/pushy/manipulative/etc. about his words or actions". Plus, the only modification he wants women and others to make to the way they go about their lives is to listen to and trust those signals and gut feelings, pay attention to the behavior of those around them, and to not be afraid to assert boundaries and give firm refusals. There's none of this "and that's why you shouldn't do this, wear that, go there, etc". My only wish is that he had put a specific and clear disclaimer in a foreword or something.

[stolen-tea.livejournal.com]

Nifty, thanks for the review!

(This book is a favorite of a good martial arts / self defense instructor named Rory Miller, and because of that has made it on to my reading list, but it's still somewhere off in the future right now.)